secret office secrets to successful office success

So my higher-ups told me I'm doing really well, and I'm in for a bit of a raise due to some impressive yearly reviews. I figured, why not share a few of my secrets of success. (That sorta goes out to Friar whom I've told I will only give out my secrets for a fee, or in a book... or something.) But these are my secrets at how to do an office job like mine and be successful. They don't work for everyone, and at the same time, some of these secrets contradict or conflict with others. So if any of these can apply to your job, go for it. But there's no money back guarantee, since it's free, so if you get fired, I can't help you whatsoever.

*When there is a quota per day/week, or some kind of tracking of work per time ratio involved.

- Eat a great but non-filling but delicious breakfast. (Doesn't have to be healthy, you just don't want to feel sleepy when you're done.)

- Work like you owe somebody money.

- Caffeine pills sometimes work better than coffee. But take it before noon unless you work really late.

- Slack off early until you get bored of slacking, this motivates someone to work harder later to make up for any lost time.*

- Work like there's a chance you might be fired tomorrow.

- Pee often or not at all.

- Do as much work as you can Monday thru Wednesday, so Thursday (or Friday if you work the 5 day week) you can window shop on the online shops.*

- Lollipops.

- Set slack off times (aka "break time") every hour or so... whenever really.

- Work at home.

- Make hotel reservations for a weekend getaway a month from now, make sure mini golf is involved, work hard towards this date.

- Make sure you have access to at least 1,000 songs that you like.

- Set a reward in place to help motivate you until quittin' time, i.e. order pizza @ 6.

- If you have no more drive in your stride, call it quits as long as it's not Thursday (or Friday if you are a loser).*

- Do your stretches and spin in your chair... it helps to get blood flowing and feeling like you are doing something physical.

- Recline whenever possible. It's like stretching.

- When the computer is on, you are getting paid. And just because you're at your desk, doesn't mean you have to be actually working.

- Time yourself and know how long the average time is for you to do your tasks, then plan a crunch time where you work double time non-stop, immediately followed with a break, or calling it quits.*

- Start a blog.